a Pathetic Attempt

I know life isn’t always sunshines and rainbows, some are just pile embers and ashes.

there’s always a question giving me an itchy feeling that chews my heart. it’s a really simple question.

“is this it? is this all there is to life?”

a realisation hit me when i realised that my life isn’t really all that so called “beautiful”. some people got good family, a loving parents, supportive partners, even good country to be born at. me? not so much. I was born in a lower middle class family, then grew up fatherless that messed my idea of how a normal man should behave, my mother used to be abusive, physically and mentally, even the place I live in constantly remind me to work for anything or die of hunger.

I grew up struggling for a place where I belong, but always end up somewhere I am not, it’s a constant struggle that eventually cost me my mental wellbeing.

I’ve been an alcoholic just to numb the pain, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve flirted with the attempts, constant nihilistic echoes that send my head into an empty meaningless space. sometimes, a glimpse of my will eventually kick me back up, thinking there must be something more than this place, this isn’t something I was meant to be. there must be some moments that gives me happiness and joy, right?

then here we are, religious, faithful, believed in some greater powers of something or someone up there to show me at least some directions to where I should be headed. But then, still, I ended up clueless about whatever the fuck happening. why the fuck am I spawned into this fuck ass condition where I left to struggle for my own feeling of existence? is my existence just a sick joke for anyone or anything up there?

and again, stuck in a place where I felt like I’m not supposed to be.

I tried to find love, maybe I’ll found something if I dedicated my time for someone, maybe they’ll do the same, maybe we can find our goals together, maybe this, maybe that. Apparently that is not how life works. it’s either everyone dipped once the shit hits the fan or someone who doesn’t realise that a relationship supposed to be mutual.

and again, another place where I don’t belong.

what the fuck is this? I’m not even surprised about any struggle that suddenly pops up and kick me in the face, am I supposed to feel pain? fear? sad? or even maybe happy? all I feel is tired, not surprised nor fear. if anything, it feels like a deep fatigue where even days of sleep wouldn’t fix.

then here I am tried to find my passion, maybe it’ll push a glimpse of joy into my view, tricking my pathetic brain to at least love something in this life of mine while constantly lying to myself that this life is worth living and facing a harsh reality that nobody even cares for my existence, nobody came when I struggled and screamed for help, its always me, helping myself, dug and crawled myself out from a pit where I was supposed to be buried.

“just another day”

I said to myself, bruised and bleeding out, maybe even dying, but I guess it’s really just another day, another struggle with nobody to acknowledge my achievements, my goals or my constant effort just to find a reason to breathe another breath. giving myself another pat on my back, to give my consciousness another lie that this life is worth living for another day.

I know, it’s pathetic, it feels like Ahab’s attempts to take down Moby Dick. in the end, I’m just waiting to finally let the harpoon tangles my leg and pull me down with my own Pequod.

Out of all the ways to lose a person, I guess letting their own efforts to find a meaning kills them is the kindest, no?